Blackout
by Gay Jesus Probably
Summary: Because Ezra never did remember what happened when he used the dark side against the Grand Inquisitor on that asteroid base. A short fic exploring what was going through his head after. Rated T for dark thoughts, realistic reactions to trauma and past abuse, as well as brief suicidal thoughts. Somehow, not actually as depressing as it sounds.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This isn't actually my first fanfic, just the first one published under this account. Once again, I'd like to say that despite no swearing, this story is rated T for a good reason, and there's some heavy angst, realistic reactions to trauma, and a character briefly contemplating suicide. If any of this seems unbelievable, I've explained why the characters are reacting in the extreme way they are reacting at the end of the story. It's a bit of a lengthy AN, but… yknow. It's the kind of subject that needs some work to explain.**

 **Enjoy!**

There were hands on him, one around his arm, and the other under his head, both lifting him slightly off the ground, brushing his torso against the person's knee. A hand tapped lightly against his cheek, trying to rouse him.

"Ezra?" Kanan said quietly, his voice filled with worry.

Ezra opened his eyes, and saw that he was on the ground of the cavern, near the cliff. In the background, he could hear the sounds of the Stormtroopers fighting the myrnocks, and someone - probably the Inquisitor – fighting them with a lightsaber.

…How had he gotten on the ground anyways? He was freezing, like he'd been dropped in a tub of ice, and the Force around him felt dirty and _wrong_. Ezra had the feeling he was missing something very, very bad.

"…Kanan?" He said, voice shaking. "What happened, I - I feel so cold."

"I know. It's okay, we're leaving." Kanan said, clearly trying to be reassuring, but mostly sounding scared and worried, before easily lifting up the teenager, and placing him over his shoulder. Normally Ezra would have some strong words for Kanan about treating him like a sick child and carrying him like a sack of yoguns, but Ezra's couldn't stop shaking, and it was obvious they needed to get out of there _right now._ So, he was pretty okay with being carried to the Phantom.

Besides, he was somewhat occupied trying to piece together the narrative of what had happened. The last thing he remembered was being backed against a cliff while the Inquisitor gloated about how Kanan was going to die, and then seeing red as his fear turned in to rage. And then suddenly, he was on the ground with Kanan holding him.

A pit formed in the bottom of Ezra's stomach, and the distinct impression that something awful had happened formed in his mind.

The sound of a spinning lightsaber coming at them made itself known, along with a sudden spike of warning in the Force at Ezra, practically screaming _DANGERMOVENOW_. Ezra didn't bother to try and dodge, knowing that really, there was no point trying to force his shaking limbs to cooperate fast enough. And really, it might be for the best if the lightsaber hit him, so that whatever he did during his blackout _never happened again_ -

His dark thoughts were cut off by him needing to fight the sudden strong urge to vomit, as Kanan whipped around, and blocked the lightsaber that had been heading straight for Ezra, before turning around again, and getting them both in to the Phantom. Ezra was quickly placed on to a seat, while Kanan moved up to pilot.

Ezra rested his head in his hand, and took a few deep, shaky breaths while the small ship took off, still fighting his rolling stomach. There were a few shots from the Phantom, a bit more flying, and then silence, as they broke out of the atmosphere.

There were a few beeps from the nav computer, as Kanan set it to calculate the coordinates to rendezvous with the Ghost.

The urge to vomit faded away, as the pit of dread made a comeback in Ezra's stomach. Feeling drained, he brought his knees up to his chest, and hugged them to himself, resting his chin on them and staring at the floor.

The Force still felt wrong around him, and even though he was back on the Phantom with its well-regulated life support, he still felt like he was freezing. Curling in on himself had brought no warmth.

He still didn't know what had happened. But during his blackout, the Inquisitor had been driven away from him and Kanan, the situation fixed somehow. And it really didn't seem like the older Jedi had done it.

He gave a glance over at the man in question, right as he finished inputting the coordinates, and setting the computer to calculate their route. Done with the activity, Kanan turned to look back at Ezra.

His blue eyes were guarded, and still held a look of worry and fear. But they were both safe now, so…

Kanan must be afraid of him.

Ezra dropped his eyes in shame, looking back at the floor. God, Kanan was finally done with him, wasn't he? Not that Ezra blamed him for that.

There was some noise, as Kanan got up, and sat down across from Ezra.

"I… saved us?" The teenager asked quietly, hoping to at least find out what he had done before being inevitably denounced. A quick glance up showed Kanan's face in a firm neutral look, which probably wasn't good. In Ezra's experience, when people looked neutral, it usually meant they were pissed, and he was in for it. He quickly dropped his gaze again, not wanting to see his mentors face twist in to the inevitable anger or disappointment he should be feeling.

"You did." Kanan said, somehow still making it clear through the two words that Ezra had done the wrong thing.

"But – Something doesn't feel right."

"If your will isn't strong enough when you open yourself to the Force, you become vulnerable to the dark side."

Ezra's heart sank, and the pit of misery and dread in his stomach got worse. Kanan had made it very clear that going dark side was something that couldn't be fixed, and would not be tolerated.

"I – I was trying to protect you." He protested, remembering that the Inquisitors taunts about killing Kanan had been what drove him over the edge.

"I know. But your anger and fear caused that giant creature to attack."

Well, Kanan was sounding… understanding? Which was progress.

Ezra had summoned the giant myrnock that attacked the Inquisitor? That was unexpected. He'd assumed that it had seen its nestmates being killed, and decided to help defend them, not that he had dragged it in to the fight, and set it on the Inquisitor. Somehow.

"I don't remember it." He said, still in some disbelief of his own supposed actions.

Kanan let out a breath of air that probably would have been a relieved chuckle under better circumstances.

"That's for the best."

There was a brief pause, as that ominous statement hit Ezra's brain right in the nightmare inducing way.

"Your powers are growing so quickly, you weren't prepared. I didn't teach you what you needed to know. I'm sorry." Kanan said quietly, probably realising that his previous statement hadn't been the best thing to say to an already freaked out padawan.

Ezra didn't respond, and hugged his knees tighter.

The nav computer beeped, signalling that it had finished their route to the Ghost, and that they were free to go in to lightspeed. Kanan hesitated a moment, and when Ezra made no move to talk, got up and went to make the jump.

While his master was at the wheel, Ezra got up and quietly slipped in to the tiny refresher on the phantom, locking the door behind him and sinking to the floor, burying his face in his hands, and taking a few more deep, shuddering breaths, trying not to absolutely lose his mind. It didn't really work. A few tears might have slipped out, but that was the sort of thing Ezra planned to take in to his grave.

There was a jolt as they jumped in to lightspeed. A few minutes later, Kanan knocked on the door.

"Ezra? You okay in there?"

"Fine."

"…Need some time to yourself?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. I'm right here if you need me."

And Kanan left him alone.

 **AN: Okay, so now to clarify some things and hopefully prevent annoyed, angry or confused reviews.**

 **Ezra is a very messed up kid that has had a very messed up life. He's been homeless and alone since he was seven, and is clearly shown to not be the stablest of individuals normally. That is not his fault.**

 **The way I interpret his character and write him, he's got some nasty depression, and self esteem the size of a pebble, both of which get better as the series carries on. Gathering Forces is pretty early on in the series, and Ezra's still not doing the best, and let's be fair here, Empire Day and Gathering Forces were pretty much the writers playing 'let's make Ezra miserable'. Hence his thoughts in this fic immediately going to a very dark place, and staying in there.**

 **Another reason is, losing time, and knowing nothing other than you did something very wrong and terrifying during that missing time? That's got to be disturbing, especially for an already messed up teenager that's been having pretty much the most emotionally draining day of his life. So he's already upset and just Done with everything, and suddenly he blacks out a loses an unknown amount of time, waking up on the ground with a frightened Kanan trying to help him. It's easy to forget, because we saw everything that happened, and know that he didn't really do any real damage, but Kanan was unconscious for some of it, and Ezra can't remember anything about his little trip in to the dark side. The only ones who saw everything Ezra did and how long it lasted was us, the viewers, and the Inquisitor, and I doubt he's willing to fill the team in. So we know all that happened was giant myrnock attacked and some pebbles floated, as far as Kanan and Ezra are concerned, it's a mystery how bad it was. And they're both bound to assume the worst of the situation.**

 **And finally, as to Ezra immediately assuming that Kanan is royally pissed and ditching him for realsies this time because of Kanan acting neutral, that's… actually a thing that happens in real life. When people have been in abusive situations long enough, they eventually start to be unable to tell the difference between I'm-not-showing-feelings-because-I'm-going-to-make-life-hell-for-you and I'm-not-showing-feelings-because-I'm-not-upset-with-you. Their brains literally become hard wired to automatically interpret not showing positive feelings as being negative. Ezra has been homeless and alone for seven years. That is the most likely situation to be abused in, it would be really weird if he didn't have some side effects from that.**

 **So, in this, Kanan's real feelings are that he's extremely worried, and is going to move hell and earth to get Ezra to safety, and then help him work through the whole mess. He's also sort of freaking out because holy crap, he almost just lost his padawan to a fate worse than death, and that's got to mess with you. So Kanan's thinking that if he shows he's freaked out, Ezra will freak out, so he makes a point of projecting calm. Unfortunately, Ezra see's some of the fear, skydives to the worst conclusion, and then when Kanan projects the calm, Ezra's brain immediately starts going "RED ALERT HOLY SHIT THIS GUY IS UNBELIEVABLY PISSED AND HE IS ABOUT TO DROP THE FAÇADE AND RAIN HELL DOWN ON US.".**

 **If I've gotten anything about this wrong, I'd just like to say that I am not an abuse survivor, and not a psychologist, so if you are either of those things and would like to correct me, feel free! I'm basing my information here off of stuff I've read from an abuse survivor's blog, as they're also a writer and occasionally make really good posts explaining why their characters react to and recover from abuse the way they do.**

 **So this has been your fun little lesson in to psychology for today. Expect a second chapter whenever I get around to writing it! I know that this chapter was all about the hurt, so the next one will probably be getting some comfort in.**

 **God damn that lecture bit ran longer than I meant it to. Education for all!**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Alright, part two! And, as promised, focusing a bit more on the comfort part of the genre. And maybe we can get through this one without an accidental psychology lecture at the end this time. We'll see.**

The flight back to the Ghost was a quiet one, with Ezra staying locked in the fresher, and Kanan giving the teenager the space he seemed to need, while fighting off the growing urge to burst in there and make sure Ezra was okay.

But Kanan was a Jedi at heart, and could tell the difference between what he had logically decisions and emotional impulses. And frankly, he had spent enough time with Ezra to tell that the teenager shut down and got annoyed whenever he was forced in to social situations. So while Kanan _really_ wanted to make sure that his Padawan was okay, and sit down and have a heart to heart with him, it was pretty obvious that it would have to wait. And it was even more obvious that forcing it would be a Bad Idea™.

So he stayed sitting at the pilots seat, running unnecessary system checks, just for something to do.

A few of his lower ribs were aching, and he had the sneaking suspicion that a worried lecture from Hera was in his future. Again. God damn it.

Kanan spent the rest of the trip quietly worrying over Ezra, and using the Force to try and multitask between keeping an eye on his padawans maelstrom of emotions, and heal his own cracked ribs. One of those tasks went a considerably better than the other. Which was normal really, as Kanan had never really been the best at Force healing. A side effect of never getting proper instruction in it.

He was startled out of the Force by the console beeping, informing him that they would be exiting hyperspace soon.

He got out of the chair, wincing a bit as his aching ribs made it very clear that the movement was not appreciated. After pausing for a second to steady himself, he made his way over to the fresher door, and knocked lightly on it.

"Ezra? We'll be coming out of hyperspace in a minute. How are you doing?" He called, shifting awkwardly on his feet as Ezra didn't reply.

"Ezra?"

"'M fine." The teenager mumbled from the other side of the door.

The ship dropped out of hyperspace, and the Ghost was visible out the window.

Kanan moved back to the pilot seat, and guided the Phantom in to its port on the Ghost, completing the familiar docking sequence easily.

Ezra came out of the fresher, looking like he had been crying. Kanan didn't comment on it.

The two headed in to the Ghost in silence, Ezra trailing morosely behind.

When Kanan had said that Ezra needed some time to himself, he had thought the teenager would spend some time meditating alone, before coming to talk about what had happened with Kanan. Ezra had kept himself locked in his room for two days now, and honestly, that's when it's time for an intervention.

Not to mention that while he was giving the kid space for now, Zeb was starting to get irritated about having to crash on the couch.

Kanan knocked on the door to the room, hoping that the padawan inside was awake.

"Ezra? Look, I get that you need some time alone with this, but you've been locked in there for days. We're getting worried. _I'm_ getting worried."

There was a pause, and some rustling on the other side of the door.

"I'm fine. Go away."

"Yeah, see, the fact that you're self-isolating? That's making me think that you're not fine. Look, we have to talk about this no matter what, so there's no point avoiding it. I'm not mad at you, I'm worried for you."

The door didn't reply.

"You've been cooped up in there too long. Look – we're parked out in the middle of nowhere on Lothal right now, you want to come for a walk? Get some air?"

More silence.

"Please Ezra."

Another pause, this one longer, before the door opened, revealing Ezra, who was looking at the ground with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Okay. Let's go, I guess." He said unenthusiastically, shrugging a bit.

They left the Ghost, and walked in silence for a while. A while after the Ghost was out of sight, they reached a small hill, and Kanan stopped, sitting down on the top. After a brief hesitation, Ezra joined him.

After a moment of silence, Kanan began to talk.

"From an outside view, people assume – well, assumed – that the Jedi were perfect. But we're still just people. Everyone's struggled with the dark side before. It's just something we have to work through."

Kanan paused for a moment, and let out a shaky breath before continuing.

"I was fourteen when the order was destroyed. My master – well, she didn't make it. I got away, but I was alone. I spent my whole life in the temple, and suddenly I had to make it on my own. Shockingly enough I was kind of a human disaster. I didn't meet Hera and Chopper until I was an adult, and honestly? I was not a stable human being. At all. If I had been regularly using the Force, I would have fallen, and fallen _hard_. So uh, basically what I'm trying to say here is… I've been there. And while touching the dark side like that was wrong, I'm not upset with you, or angry or anything. I'm just…"

"Disappointed?" Ezra deadpanned, a small smile twitching on his mouth.

Kanan snorted.

"Nah, not that either. I'm just worried, and I want to help you be okay again."

Ezra gave a quiet, disbelieving laugh, before looking up at the sky, an amused smile on his face.

"Has anyone ever told you you're a fucking nerd?"

"Ezra."

"And like, not the cool nerd in holos. Like, the kind of nerd that gets beat up for lunch money every day."

" _Ezra._ "

"Like, I actually just have this compulsion to shove you in a locker right now, if we were on the Ghost, you'd be in a locker already."

" _Padawan._ "

There was a pause, as Ezra looked back down at the ground with clear embarrassment.

"…Thanksfornotgivinguponme." He mumbled out finally, bright red.

Kanan grinned.

"Don't think I quite caught that, say it again? Slower too."

"Well that's unfortunate, because I'm not repeating it."

"But Ezra, the memories! We need to get this moment on film! Or in writing or something."

"…I'm going to cause some non-specific, permanent damage if you don't stop talking. Immediately."

"Wow. Non-specific damage. I'm terrified."

"You should be. It'll be good and permanent. And damagey. Like… I dunno, blindness? First threat that came to me, shut up."

Kanan burst out laughing, before ruffling Ezra's hair. Said teenager took this as a justifiable reason to give him a good shove, sending him rolling about halfway down the hill.

"Victory!"

"You're so _mean_ Ezra. I'm actually starting to think you might be mean enough to follow through on those threats, you devil child." Kanan complained melodramatically, folding his hands over his chest and staring mournfully up at the sky.

"Don't make me follow through on that locker thing. God, you really are a massive nerd."

"Wow. Now I'm just hurt. If I go blind from like, emotional pain or something, it's entirely your fault."

"Fight me."

 **AN: There's really no way to sum up how I feel about the way I ended that apart from just going :D**

 **So anyways if you need me I'll be in hell later losers. I accept lectures about how terrible I am in the form of reviews.**

 **Look, no psychology lecture this time!**


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